Saturday, May 21, 2011

So we survived the apocalypse.

I assume that the apocalypse came and went and that the reason I received no mail today was that our postman was raptured away. So if your reading this, then the lord our god has seen fit not to rapture you, and instead chose to let you suffer through the trials and tribulations of the end times. Sucks, huh?

I suppose then that certain precautions must be made against the inevitable end. First things first. Supplies. Need food and water to sustain myself until the hell spawn comes to collect me. Never know how long that will take, as they’re notoriously unreliable. They were scheduled to take Carrot Top ages ago and that fucker’s still around. Should have sent in Seal Team Six. Oh well. Back to supplies.

Let’s see. Open fridge, what’ve we got? Soda, purple stuff…aw Sunny D! Aw right! That should last a day or two. Ok, now food. Hmmm….half a pack of bologna, some cheese, country crock spread, open pack of hotdogs (probably no good anymore), and a lone carrot (good for the eyes!). Ok, I can work with that.

What else? Weapons? Not really. I’ve got a old back scratcher that’ll probably give a splinter to the first demon I see who can’t reach that area behind the back, you know, between the shoulder blades? Doesn’t that suck? I mean, sometimes I just gotta start rubbing up against a wall or a tree like a goddamn bear, and it feels so good you forget where you are, and when you open your eyes again everyone in the bank is looking at you like you’re a freak. Fuck em.

Well, my search for provisions didn’t yield much. Not much else to do but sit quietly and contemplate all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Like the hole in my roof I made last night in case I got raptured. Yes, I can see the mistake there. Easy access for demons. But I can fix that. A little duct tape and….

…a knock at the door. I never realized that demons would be so polite.

Ok, I can do this with dignity.

Huh. Standing outside my door is a young lady wearing a Reliant Energy t-shirt. Cleary disturbed, she haltingly begins to ask me if I’m happy with my electric provider. Poor child. Obviously she hasn’t yet come to terms with what has happened. Clinging to the last vestiges of her former life and the security of routine, she stands before me shuddering and fearful. That’s when I realize I’m naked.

Ok, I can explain that.

See, when I thought I might be raptured, I thought, “Who needs clothes in the heavenly domain?”. I mean , God has seen me au natural, so why burden myself with the trappings of this earthly realm? Maybe should have reconsidered. Oh well.

Turning back to the young lady at the door I attempt to comfort her. I reach out to place my arm around her shoulders and invite her into my house for safety. Obviously still traumatized by recent events, she begins to struggle against me. I may have to knock her out and drag her in. For her safety.

There’s a rock on the ground, that should do nicel- ow!

Crazy girl kicked my shin! Now she’s running away screaming about cops. Denial is an ugly thing.

“I hope the hellspawn catch up with you, you crazy bitch!” I scream after her.

Well, back to waiting for the end…

1 hour later..

Another knock on my door. It’s the police. Good news is that the world didn’t end. That’s a relief. I already ate the bologna and drank the Sunny D. Bad news is I’m being arrested. Something about sexual assault and attempted kidnapping. Clearly a misunderstanding, I’m sure we can clear this up in no time.

Anyone know a reliable roofer?