Friday, April 22, 2016

The Random Crapp Recap of Game of Thrones S5

Winter is coming, fellow Crappers, and the web is dark and full of stupid.  Also, this Sunday HBO will premiere the first episode of the long awaited season 6 of Game of Thrones, the only show on TV that presents a world more depressing than the world of The Walking Dead.  And just like The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones loves to leave us wanting more with season ending cliffhangers like last seasons finale when everyone's favorite bastard, Jon Snow, was prison shanked by his own men.  Uh, spoiler, I guess.  And we, the fans, have waited almost an entire year to find out if he stayed dead, or maybe slid under a dumpster like Glen.  Because even though the show can be pretty depressing at times and the characters we come to love suffer cruelties unheard of outside of Westoros, we just can’t stop watching, possibly because, I don’t know, maybe we weren't hugged enough as a child, maybe?

Whatever, doesn't’ matter.  What matters is, does anyone remember what the fuck happened last season?  If you’re anything like us then you’ve been binge watching all sorts of new shows in the last year or so, from Daredevil to Jessica Jones, to Arrow and The Flash, to Better Call Saul and on and on.  At some point everything just kinda starts to run together.  For example, I swear to God, I remember an episode of Game of Thrones where Matt Murdock got killed by a white walker and Littlefinger married the Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt.  

So, to make sure we’re all on the same page, we here at Random Crapp have put together a recap of where our favorite GoT characters are and what they’re doing going into season 6, to the best of our memories.  Here we go!

The Starks

Jon Snow
He's so dreamy.  (no homo)

Let’s get this one out of the way first.  Jon Snow is dead.  But probably not.  Or he is but will get brought back to life somehow.  All of this because he made an alliance with the Wildling army beyond the wall to help fight the white walkers, who I suppose must really be walking all the way to Westoros since it's taken them 6 goddam years just to get to the fucking wall.  Anyway, sound military decisions and logic don’t mix well with Jon’s men and they decide to kill him.  The only guy actually trying to do something to save the world.  But don’t worry!  Because the Red Woman arrived just in time and I’m guessing will use her sex fire magic to bring him back.  

Arya Stark
"My name is Arya Stark.  You killed my father; prepare to die."

Not much is going on with Arya Stark.  She’s been with the faceless assassin training to be Batman during all of season five and getting pretty damn good at it too.  However, upon seeing someone from her hit list in town, she decides to murder the shit out of him instead of following the orders of her mentor.  As a result, the faceless assassin blinds her and now she has to be Daredevil instead of the Dark Knight.  

Sansa Stark
I...I love you.
Boy, Sansa just can’t catch a break, huh?  After watching her father die and being tortured by that little fucker Joffrey, she gets married off to Ramsay Bolton.  I will not recount here what indignities she suffered at his hands except to say that Ramsay Bolton needs to fucking die.  Like, if anyone on this show needs a killing, it’s this fucking guy.  Fuck Ramsay Bolton.  
Anyway, at the end of last season, she escapes Winterfell with the help of Theon, the Dickless Wonder.  

Bran Stark
Remember me?  Yeah, I don't either.

We didn’t see Bran Stark during season five, and as far as I can remember the last we saw of Bran Stark he had traveled beyond the wall in search of the three eyed raven.  I know he traveled with companions, but for the life of me I can’t  remember who they were.  All I can recall is that at the end of his journey he somehow managed to cross over into a Skyrim type MMORPG, complete with walking skeletons and someone casting fireballs and all sorts of what-the-fuckery.  
I have no idea what’s going on with Bran.

Rickon Stark
"Can I come back now?"


The Lannisters

Cersie and Jaime Lannister
They've always been...close.

Cersie Lannister certainly had a bad time last season.  At the start she was reunited with her-ahem-loving brother Jaime after he returned from captivity with Briene of Tarth.  Almost immediately she sent Jaime and sell sword Bronn on a classic buddy road trip to Dorn to rescue their daughter, whose name escapes me at the moment.  Long story short, mission failed.  But while all that was going on, Cersie, in a bid to cause trouble with her daughter in law, somehow managed to give the High Sparrow all sorts of political power in the hopes that, well...I’m not really sure what the plan was.  Whatever it was, once again mission failed. Spectacularly.

Tywin Lannister


Tyrion Lannister
He's the Daryl of Game of Thrones.

After killing his ex girlfriend and shooting his father full of arrows while he was on the shitter, Tyrion was smuggled across the narrow sea by Varys.  The plan here was to partner up with Daenarys and...rule the world?  I’m not really sure.  Sounds good though.  Also, during his trip, he ran into Jorah Mormont, freindzoned former advisor to Daenarys, who contracted the deadly greyscale disease along the way.  A little lotion will probably take care of that, but I’m not one to judge.

Ser Pounce
"Meow, motherfucker."

The cat behind the king.  

Tomen Lannister

The king, sort of. Nothing really going on here.  

The Everyone Else

Daenarys Targaryen
"Come with me if you want to--wait. Shit, wrong movie."

At the end of the last season, Daenarys flew away on her dragon Drogon after narrowly escaping an assassination attempt by the Sons of the Harpy, in what was easily the most interesting thing to happen to her all season.  The last we saw of her she was surrounded by Dothroki warriors.  We’ll see how that goes.

Stannis Baratheon


Petyr Baelish
"I was in The Dark Knight Rises.  Did you know that?  Cause I totally was."

After arranging the marriage of Sansa Stark to that motherfucker Ramsay Bolton (i’m sorry, i just really hate that guy), he retreated back to the Vale where he assumed lordship after killing his new wife and sending her son to whatever passes for boarding school in Westoros.  We still don’t know what the hell he’s up to but there’s no doubt he has plans.  Is he really the most powerful man in the seven kingdoms?  Possibly. Does even George RR Martin know?  Debatable. After all, the series has caught up to the books, so you’re guess is as good as anyones.

She can have my smoke baby anytime.

The Red Woman.  The priestess of the Lord of Light.  Advisor to Stannis Baratheon.  And maker of some really bad decisions. Bitch had a child burned at the stake.  So there’s that.  But if she brings back Jon Snow I guess that will make up for it.  I mean, we didn’t actually see the girl burn, whereas The Walking Dead straight up showed us that one lady's son being chewed on by walkers.  I’m just saying, let’s have some perspective. I mean, she’s really hot.

Ramsay Bolton
Seriously, fuck this guy.

Someone please kill this motherfucker.

Well, that’s all I can remember about last season.  Did I miss anything important?  Did your favorite character not make my list?  Do I care?  We’ll find out on Sunday!


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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

A Star Wars Christmas

(This post has potential spoilers! You've been warned!)

Episode MXCVII
The One With Old Han

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the verse,
not a creature was stirring, for better or worse.

The sith were all gone
and the republic had won,
so Han settled down and fathered a son.

Luke tried to train him
but the going was tough,
the boy had an attitude,
it was going to be rough.

When all of a sudden
the child named Ben,
was turned to the dark side
as the new Kylo Ren.

Then alot of stuff happened,
it doesn't really matter,
Luke finally showed up at the end,
just a little bit fatter.

They'll be new stories to tell soon,
we'll just all have to wait.  
In the meantime
there's just so much to debate.

And while Christmas came early for us,
poor Leia suffered a loss,
and now  vows revenge
on Kylo Ren and his boss...

to be continued (whenever the sequel comes out).

Merry Christmas from Random Crapp!  Don't forget to like us on Facebook!


Monday, December 14, 2015

Random Crapp 2015 Year in Review

Looks like 2015 is almost over and it was a hell of a year, amirite?  With so much that happened this year, we decided to look back and share some of what we thought were the best moments of 2015.  From Donald Trump to Pluto and beyond, here is, in no particular order, your year in review.

Alaska becomes the latest state to legalize the possession and use of marijuana.  This move from our nation's northern most state allows Alaskan citizens to finally have something to do other than check their shoes for moose poop.  

The New York Times reports that Hilary Clinton, current democratic candidate for president, was using her personal email for official business, sparking yet another republican led series of hearings determined to find some sort of “smoking gun” that could possibly derail Clintons candidacy.  So far the “email-gate” investigations have turned up nothing more sinister than Bill Clintons subscription to Penis Enlargement Online, the webs most viewed penis enlargement site.

Bruce Jenner publicly declares himself to be a woman and takes the name Catilyn Jenner.  Interviews and awards for the former olympian follow as well as an increased awareness for transgender rights.  This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are homophobic and/or bigots.  You don’t have to look for them.  They’ll make themselves known.

A whole shitload of unarmed black people were shot and killed by white police officers, leading to protests around the nation.  Many of the instances were punctuated by either attempted cover ups by the officers or outright lying on official reports despite video evidence in some cases clearly presenting the truth.  This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are racist and/or republican.

So far in 2015, we’ve had more mass shootings than days.  It’s okay though, because unless the shooters were brown it was probably just an isolated incident. Every. Single. Time.  This is depressing but it provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are islamophobic and/or insane.  

In a landmark ruling, the supreme court voted 5-4 in favor of same sex marriage.  Republicans and ultra conservatives nationwide have collectively decided that despite the ruling, they’re no longer baking wedding cakes for the gays.  Or something.  This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify if you have any friends left on Facebook at all.

Nasa’s New Horizon spacecraft completed its first ever flyby of Pluto, giving researchers an up close look at the former planet. Images from the probe have yet to confirm the existence of the Old Gods, but scientists and occultists alike are confident that as the images continue to come in new and exciting discoveries will reveal themselves, although it may be important to note that they’re excited for completely different reasons.

Speaking of the supernatural, republican candidate and part time oompa loompa impersonator Donald Trump somehow continues to lead in the polls for the republican nomination.  We’ll be the first to admit that his candidacy was funny at first, but now it’s just getting scary.  It seems as though nothing is too crazy for Trump supporters, as every time he says something objectionable more people flock to his camp.  Whether it is saying that Mexican immigrants are rapists or that we should have a national database of Muslims, we can only assume at this point that his rise in the polls is foretold by prophecy and cannot be stopped.  

Now, I know what you're thinking. This has been an up and down kind of year. But before you make any judgments, know that this also happened in 2015.

So it wasn't all bad.


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Thursday, November 26, 2015

So You’ve Ruined Thanksgiving.

(I know this is short but I didn't have a lot of time.  I promise I'll have something new up soon!  Happy Turkey Day!)

Welcome to the Random Crapp Guide to Ruining Thanksgiving!  If you’re here it’s because you ruined Thanksgiving!  Congratulations!  Your wife/husband will one day share this information with the judge at your divorce hearing!  Until then, we’re here to help get you through this and straight to dessert, assuming you haven’t burned down your house.  Speaking of which, what’s with all the smoke?

Yeah, about that.  I may have overcooked the turkey.

Ok, no worries.  Let’s see it.

Here it is.

Holy shit!  Is that a turkey or did satan take a shit in your kitchen?

Yeah, I know.  It's a little burnt.

A little?  Jesus, it looks like it just reentered Earth's atmosphere!  What temperature did you have the oven on?  Hell?

Ok, “ha ha”.  It’s not funny.  Just tell me what to do here.

Alright, I’m sorry, let's figure this out.  First, tell me the family situation.  How many people are you feeding for thanksgiving today?  

It’s just my wife and son.  It’s our first thanksgiving.

Maybe your last?

If you don’t fucking help me, who knows!

Ok, calm down.  Is there anyway you can blame this on your son?

Well, he’s 18 months old, so probably not.

First of all, he’s a year and a half not “18” months old.  I’m 36 but you don’t see me calling myself 400 months old.  It’s stupid.

Whatever, what the second thing?

What second thing?

You said first of all, I just assumed there was a second thing.

I don’t know, I lost my train of thought there.  Did you know you have a meteorite in your kitchen?

It’s not a meteorite!  It’s the goddamn turkey and you’re supposed to be helping me fix it!

Yeah, unless you have a time machine there’s no fixing that turkey.  In fact, what you did to that bird is so fowl (rim shot) I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s soul haunted you for all eternity.

Oh, my god my wife is gonna kill me..

Look, its not so bad.  Hey, I have an idea.

You do?  Great!  What is it?

You’re going to need a butter knife, a brown magic marker and a chicken with nothing to lose.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It’s simple.  You scrape off all the black burned skin, color it over with brown magic marker and stuff it with a fried chicken.

Are...are you retarded?

Order chinese?

Fuck it.

Congratulations!  You’ve made it through another Random Crapp guide!  The only guide where we, you know, guide you.  Or something.  Happy Thanksgiving!!


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Sunday, July 19, 2015