Wednesday, December 23, 2015

A Star Wars Christmas

(This post has potential spoilers! You've been warned!)

Episode MXCVII
The One With Old Han

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the verse,
not a creature was stirring, for better or worse.

The sith were all gone
and the republic had won,
so Han settled down and fathered a son.

Luke tried to train him
but the going was tough,
the boy had an attitude,
it was going to be rough.

When all of a sudden
the child named Ben,
was turned to the dark side
as the new Kylo Ren.

Then alot of stuff happened,
it doesn't really matter,
Luke finally showed up at the end,
just a little bit fatter.

They'll be new stories to tell soon,
we'll just all have to wait.  
In the meantime
there's just so much to debate.

And while Christmas came early for us,
poor Leia suffered a loss,
and now  vows revenge
on Kylo Ren and his boss...

to be continued (whenever the sequel comes out).

Merry Christmas from Random Crapp!  Don't forget to like us on Facebook!


Monday, December 14, 2015

Random Crapp 2015 Year in Review

Looks like 2015 is almost over and it was a hell of a year, amirite?  With so much that happened this year, we decided to look back and share some of what we thought were the best moments of 2015.  From Donald Trump to Pluto and beyond, here is, in no particular order, your year in review.

Alaska becomes the latest state to legalize the possession and use of marijuana.  This move from our nation's northern most state allows Alaskan citizens to finally have something to do other than check their shoes for moose poop.  

The New York Times reports that Hilary Clinton, current democratic candidate for president, was using her personal email for official business, sparking yet another republican led series of hearings determined to find some sort of “smoking gun” that could possibly derail Clintons candidacy.  So far the “email-gate” investigations have turned up nothing more sinister than Bill Clintons subscription to Penis Enlargement Online, the webs most viewed penis enlargement site.

Bruce Jenner publicly declares himself to be a woman and takes the name Catilyn Jenner.  Interviews and awards for the former olympian follow as well as an increased awareness for transgender rights.  This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are homophobic and/or bigots.  You don’t have to look for them.  They’ll make themselves known.

A whole shitload of unarmed black people were shot and killed by white police officers, leading to protests around the nation.  Many of the instances were punctuated by either attempted cover ups by the officers or outright lying on official reports despite video evidence in some cases clearly presenting the truth.  This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are racist and/or republican.

So far in 2015, we’ve had more mass shootings than days.  It’s okay though, because unless the shooters were brown it was probably just an isolated incident. Every. Single. Time.  This is depressing but it provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are islamophobic and/or insane.  

In a landmark ruling, the supreme court voted 5-4 in favor of same sex marriage.  Republicans and ultra conservatives nationwide have collectively decided that despite the ruling, they’re no longer baking wedding cakes for the gays.  Or something.  This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify if you have any friends left on Facebook at all.

Nasa’s New Horizon spacecraft completed its first ever flyby of Pluto, giving researchers an up close look at the former planet. Images from the probe have yet to confirm the existence of the Old Gods, but scientists and occultists alike are confident that as the images continue to come in new and exciting discoveries will reveal themselves, although it may be important to note that they’re excited for completely different reasons.

Speaking of the supernatural, republican candidate and part time oompa loompa impersonator Donald Trump somehow continues to lead in the polls for the republican nomination.  We’ll be the first to admit that his candidacy was funny at first, but now it’s just getting scary.  It seems as though nothing is too crazy for Trump supporters, as every time he says something objectionable more people flock to his camp.  Whether it is saying that Mexican immigrants are rapists or that we should have a national database of Muslims, we can only assume at this point that his rise in the polls is foretold by prophecy and cannot be stopped.  

Now, I know what you're thinking. This has been an up and down kind of year. But before you make any judgments, know that this also happened in 2015.

So it wasn't all bad.


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Thursday, November 26, 2015

So You’ve Ruined Thanksgiving.

(I know this is short but I didn't have a lot of time.  I promise I'll have something new up soon!  Happy Turkey Day!)

Welcome to the Random Crapp Guide to Ruining Thanksgiving!  If you’re here it’s because you ruined Thanksgiving!  Congratulations!  Your wife/husband will one day share this information with the judge at your divorce hearing!  Until then, we’re here to help get you through this and straight to dessert, assuming you haven’t burned down your house.  Speaking of which, what’s with all the smoke?

Yeah, about that.  I may have overcooked the turkey.

Ok, no worries.  Let’s see it.

Here it is.

Holy shit!  Is that a turkey or did satan take a shit in your kitchen?

Yeah, I know.  It's a little burnt.

A little?  Jesus, it looks like it just reentered Earth's atmosphere!  What temperature did you have the oven on?  Hell?

Ok, “ha ha”.  It’s not funny.  Just tell me what to do here.

Alright, I’m sorry, let's figure this out.  First, tell me the family situation.  How many people are you feeding for thanksgiving today?  

It’s just my wife and son.  It’s our first thanksgiving.

Maybe your last?

If you don’t fucking help me, who knows!

Ok, calm down.  Is there anyway you can blame this on your son?

Well, he’s 18 months old, so probably not.

First of all, he’s a year and a half not “18” months old.  I’m 36 but you don’t see me calling myself 400 months old.  It’s stupid.

Whatever, what the second thing?

What second thing?

You said first of all, I just assumed there was a second thing.

I don’t know, I lost my train of thought there.  Did you know you have a meteorite in your kitchen?

It’s not a meteorite!  It’s the goddamn turkey and you’re supposed to be helping me fix it!

Yeah, unless you have a time machine there’s no fixing that turkey.  In fact, what you did to that bird is so fowl (rim shot) I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s soul haunted you for all eternity.

Oh, my god my wife is gonna kill me..

Look, its not so bad.  Hey, I have an idea.

You do?  Great!  What is it?

You’re going to need a butter knife, a brown magic marker and a chicken with nothing to lose.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It’s simple.  You scrape off all the black burned skin, color it over with brown magic marker and stuff it with a fried chicken.

Are...are you retarded?

Order chinese?

Fuck it.

Congratulations!  You’ve made it through another Random Crapp guide!  The only guide where we, you know, guide you.  Or something.  Happy Thanksgiving!!


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Sunday, July 19, 2015

Another Round of Random Pic(k)s 7/19

More Random Pic(k)s for you on this fine Sunday evening.  Enjoy.


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Pluto And You: What You Need to Know About Earths Furthest Neighbor (Honestly Though, You'll Learn Nothing Here. Have You Even Met Us?)

NASA New Horizon space probe has finally reached Pluto, the erstwhile planet on the very edge of our solar system, after an incredible journey of over 9 years, 3 billion miles and only one bathroom break.  Over the next few days the New Horizon space probe will be sending back photo after photo of the dwarf planet along with its moon Charon, representing an historic and unprecedented view of our furthest planetary neighbors.  But what can we really expect to learn from New Horizons flyby?

To answer that question we invited noted astrophysicist, chicken magnate and media darling Neil deGrasse Tyson to the Random Crapp offices to help us understand the significance of mankind's latest endeavor.

(tape begins)
Random Crapp:  Mr. Tyson, thank you for coming!

Neil DeGrasse Tyson:  Always glad to answer questions and hopefully spread some real science.  But what did you mean about "chicken magnate"?

RC:  Your chicken company.  Tyson Chicken?

NDGT:  Yeah, that's not me.

RC:  Are you sure?  Did we..did we get the right guy?  

NGDT:  Well, if you're looking to talk about Pluto, I'm your man.  If you want to talk chicken, well I guess we could talk about that too.  I mean I'm already here, so.

RC:  No, no.  Forget the chicken.  Let's talk turkey.

NTGT:  Not Pluto?

RC:  What?

NDDT:  Are we talking turkey or Pluto?

RC:  What the fuck?  Turkey?  No, it's a figure of speech.

NGTD:  Oh, right.  So, Pluto.  What would you like to know?

RC:  Ok, back on track.  First of all, I read somewhere that they're already starting to name some of the regions and features on Pluto, and one of the "dark spots" is being named Cthulu.

DDTR:  Yes, I thought that was pretty funny.

RC:  Funny, sir?  What exactly is funny about a Great Old One living on the outskirts of our solar system?

NGGG:  Wha...what?

RC:  What steps is NASA taking to address the threat posed by Cthulu and his dark minions?

NDTT:  I don't...I can't...I'm...I'm not sure if you're serious or not?

RC:  Oh, I'm deadly serious.  I mean, now that our probe has reached Pluto, how long do you think it will be before Cthulu turns his attention to us?

NDaGT:  I really don't think there's anything to worry about here.  

RC:  How can you be so sure?

LOTR:  Well, first of all Cthulu is fictional.  So there's that.

RC:  You know, I really don't think you appreciate whats happening here.  Are you sure you're a real astrophysicist?

NCIS:  Are you sure you're a real journalist?

RC:  Journalist?  Dude, this is a comedy website.  I don't even know how we got you here.


RC:  You're just a media whore, aren't you?

BYOB:  So, Cthulu is on Pluto you say?

RC:  Yeah, that's what I thought.  What can you tell our readers abo-..hey, where are you going?

LAPD:  I just remembered I have a thing with..uh..Bill Nye!  Yeah, we have a...thing.

RC:  Well, at least we made it through an entire interview without Loki showing up to ruin ever...hey whats all that shimmering around you?  Oh, you son of a bitch!

LOKI:  HA!  You foolish dunga!  You're chicken man Tyson was never here! It is I, Loki, the once an future King Of Asgard! And this time I've managed to ruin the entire interview!

RC:  Hold on.  What the fuck is a dunga?  Is that like when you called Black Widow a mewling quim?  Because I looked that up and it mean cunt.  Are you calling me a cunt?!

LOKI:  Nay, but what if I were, mortal??

(sounds of scuffling)
tape ends

I swear to god, one of these days I'm gonna complete a real interview, I promise.


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