Thursday, August 7, 2014

My Interview with The Guardians of the Galaxy

With the $94 million opening of Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel studios continues to dominate our theaters with obscure and little known properties that no one would have guessed would make any money even just ten years ago.  And yet, with the success of Iron Man, Thor and Captain America, Marvel is pretty much daring you at this point to watch a film with a talking raccoon a what looks like a leftover Ent from Lord of the Rings.  But if they're playing a game of chicken, clearly they're winning since audiences and critics continue to fellate the hell out of anything Marvel shits out.  Hell, next we're getting an adaptation of AntMan.  AntMan!  Who the hell even knows who he is?  And the crazy part is, these are really good movies.  The only explanation for their impeccable track record I can think of is that their success was foretold by prophecy and cannot be stopped.

So, then, submitting to the inevitable, I lubed up my asshole and bought a ticket to see Guardians of the Galaxy, ready for it to make me its bitch.  And let me tell you, I got stretched, baby.

Looking back over what I just wrote, I think that maybe that metaphor may have gotten away from me, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying.  Anyway, after watching the film and having my mind appropriately blown, I decided to invite the Guardians of the Galaxy for a group interview here at the Random Crapp offices, much like my interview with the Avengers in 2012.  You'll find the transcript below.  Enjoy.

Me:  Thank you all for being here today, its a great honor to meet you, regardless of the apparent fee.  You know, I don't really think thats standard for interviews...

Rocket Raccoon:  Units up front, you glorified monkey!

Me:  I thought we agreed to pay you after the interview.  In units, was it?

Rocket Raccoon (RR):  Yeah, well, you can suck my unit!

Drax:  I do not understand.  How can he suck a unit?

Me:  Its just a figure of know what, Drax, we'll get to you later, ok?

Drax:  I am here now!

Star Lord:  Everyone calm down!  Rocket, chill.  Drax, why aren't you reading that book I gave you?  It will save a lot of time.

Me:  Thanks, Star Lord.  Guess I'll start with you.  Wait, what are you doing?

Star Lord:  Uh!..Chicka bow...Oh yea!..what do you mean?....Shimona!..

Me:  Why are you dancing?

Star Lord:  I'm not dancing...uh!!...ooh, yea!!...I'm distracting you.

Me:  I don't underst-hey, give me back my wallet you greasy little rodent!

RR:  I need it for my plan to work!

Me:  What plan?  What the fuck?

Gamora:  I would be more careful with your words, if I were you.  And by the way, your office is filthy.

Me:  Its not that bad.  The rest of it is pretty nice actually, I'll show you later if you want.

Gamora:  Are you trying to seduce me?!

Me:  What?  Dude, you're an alien.  Do you even have a vagina?

Groot:  I am groot!

RR:  Ha!  You said it, pal!

Me:  Ok, stop, this is getting out of hand!

Drax:  There is nothing in my hands!  I keep them free to crush my enemies!

Me:  Oh. My god.  Shut up.  You're the worst character here.

Star Lord:  I haven't seen a debacle like this since those nazis opened the Ark of the Covenant!

Me:  Ok, man, we get it.  You saw a lot of 80's movies before Yondu decided to probe you.

Star Lord:  Alf.  The Cosbys.  Random movie reference that makes fanboys cream themselves.

Loki:  You will all kneel before me!

Me:  Whatthefuck?!  Where the hell did you come from?

RR:  Hey, Loki!  Do me a favor?  I need to borrow your staff for a secret plan.

Gamora:  I am a warrior and assassin!  I don't have time for this!

Me:  You are green with small tits.  Sit down.

Groot:  I am groot!

Me:  Jesus Christ.

Nick Fury:  Why aren't I in this motherfucking  movie?!!

Me:  That's it!  Everyone out!  Fuck it.

(overlapping voices arguing...lots of groots...a few gun blasts)

tape ends.

Well, that went about as well as the last one, which is to say I somehow survived.   You're welcome.


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Friday, August 1, 2014

More Random Pic(k)s: (20 images)

Wow, I haven't updated here in a while, have I?  I'll have something new soon, I promise.  Until then, enjoy some random pics from the interwebs.


Saturday, May 3, 2014

Random Pic(k)s Part 6 (21 photos)

More random pic(k)s for you to enjoy on this fine Saturday afternoon.  Viva la resistance!


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Thursday, May 1, 2014

Random Crapp Diet Tips, 2014 Edition

As summer approaches and the days get warmer, its time to start thinking about getting your flabby winter body into swimsuit model mode.  Whether you’re just trying to lose a few pounds or attempting to excise the equivalent of an entire human being made of fat from your belly, it’s time you start thinking about going on a diet.  But what if you’re not sure you can stick to a diet?  After all, your new years resolution to lose weight dissipated like a fart in the breeze.  Well, have no fears.  Your good friends here at Random Crapp have got you covered with a few surefire ways to shed pounds fast!

(Editors note:  This is a humor website.  At no time are we actually suggesting you utilize any of these options.  This is meant as satire.  Don’t be stupid.)

Follow me to beauty!


Not to be confused with anorexia, in which a person has a fear that they are overweight even when they are in fact underweight.  People with anorexia have an intense fear of weight gain and, not to disparage anyone currently struggling with anorexia, lets face it;  if you really had a fear of weight gain, you wouldn't be stuffing $20 steaks down your gullet like you were a goddamn pelican.  
I know I have anorexia because every time I look in the mirror I see a fat person.

No, bulimia is a far more elegant solution to weight loss that involves purging your body of food immediately after eating via vomiting, taking a laxative, diuretic, or stimulant.  Yes, with bulimia you can literally shit yourself to looking beautiful! 

Warning:  Adverse side effects may include but are not limited to:  potassium loss and health deterioration, with depressive symptoms that are often severe and lead to a high risk of suicide.  Good luck!

Diet pills/drugs

Unless someone has painstakingly copied this by hand to a public restroom wall, chances are you’re reading this on the inter-webs.  If that’s the case then you've no doubt come across your fair share of online advertisements for a wide variety of diet pills offering everything from a promise to lose a few extra  pounds of unsightly belly fat,  to shakes and supplements designed to turn that fat into lightly tanned muscle somehow, possibly by magic, we’re not sure.  But with all those options, how are supposed to chose the right one for you?  Answer:  meth.  Wait, what?  You don’t do drugs?  Tell me this.  Have you ever seen a fat drug addict?  Yeah, I didn't think so. 

Warning:  In addition to fat, you may also lose:  teeth, hair, appetite, skin color, memory,  and, eventually, vital signs.  Worth it!


Ok, stay with me on this one.

There are actually unconfirmed rumors of diet pills sold in the 1950’s that contained tapeworms as a way to lose weight.  As long as you don’t mind a little cysticercosis, possible blindness, brain damage and even death in extreme cases.  And trust me, you don’t even want to know what cysticercosis is.  But hey, all that matters is you look good, right? 

I want to be inside you...


See you at the beach!!

 (Do not attempt any of these solutions, seriously, this is a joke.  It pains me that I have to put up this disclaimer.  This is why we can't have nice things.  I just absolutely know that one of you idiots is going to email me asking if you should really try this.  Don't.  Put the internet down and return to your room, the nice people in white coats should be along any minute with your medication.)


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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

New Random Crapp Comic!

The return of the RC Comic!

Turns out I can't draw to save my life, so I created this comic using ToonDoo.  It's a pretty nifty little comic strip creator.  This is just a basic prototype I created in about ten minutes.  I really didn't feel like messing with all the options it offered cause I'm lazy like that.

Anyway, let me know what you think.  Thanks for reading!


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