Saturday, March 21, 2015

Random Facts

A short collection of Random Facts.  We stand behind the veracity of every claim made in this posting.  I mean, the internet wouldn't lie, right?  Right?

Fact #1:  

The age of the earth is 4.4 billion years old, or nearly twice as old as your mom.

Your mom is not amused.

Fact #2:

Today's (3/20/15) solar eclipse wasn't visible in north America, but if you wanted to know what it would be like to witness it firsthand, just follow these simple directions.
First, get the brightest flashlight you can get your hands on. Second, shine it directly in your eyes. Third, apply for government disability, because now your blind.

Congratulations! You've simulated a solar eclipse!


Fact #3:

It's not the gold that makes the Gold Apple Watch so expensive. It's because each watch is individually loaded with the trapped soul of a Chinese factory worker who committed suicide rather than work for Apple. Normal Apple Watches simply run on children's tears.
Now you know.
Get yours today!

Fact #4:

Olympus Mons is the largest vagina in the solar system.

Hold on, wait..VOLCANO! I meant that Olympus Mons is the largest VOLCANO in the solar system! What did you think I said?!
Relax.  It's just a close up of a flower.  A sexy, sexy flower.

Fact #5:

The mimic octopus can not only change colors, but can mimic the body shapes of other animals like the flounder, the lionfish and the monopoly guy.

No free parking for you.

Fact #6:

Vending machines kill 4 times as many people a year as sharks do, and yet SyFy STILL hasn't made a movie about a killer soda machine/tornado.

Don't let me down, SyFy.

Fact #7:

If you type the word "hashtag" immediately after the hashtag symbol, #, you will break the internet.
At least, that's what I heard.

Do not try this at home.

Fact #8:

If you were to take the time to individually count every grain of sand at the beach, you would soon discover that you're a very boring person.

This photo is not relevant.  Just enjoy it.

Fact #9:

If you were to take all 7 billion people currently living on earth and place them together in one room, there would STILL be one old lady with a full basket of groceries ahead of you in the only open checkout lane at Walmart. And she's paying by check. With coupons.

That bitch.

Fact #10:

Its possible, with proper training and supervision, to spend the rest of your life underwater by holding your breath until you die.

She was kind of annoying anyway.

Fact #11:

There is a jelly fish called Turritopsis dohrnii that essentially lives forever. They came from the dawn of time; moving silently down through the centuries, living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering; when the few who remain will battle to the last. No one has ever known they were among you... until now.

There can be only one.

Fact #12:

Girl scout cookies are not actually made from real girl scouts. That would be monstrous.

In fact, they are made from artificially grown CLONES of real girl scouts. Which is much better.


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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Shed of the Dead

Hello, fellow Crappers!  (Did you forget that I call you all Crappers?)  Below is the first part of a short story that I'm writing with a friend of mine, we'll call her...Ami.  If you read my previous short story, Strange Faces, you may like this one as well, although its a slightly different style.  The title is a temporary "working title", but I think it fits with where the story is going.  If you like it, leave a comment below or on our FaceBook page.  Feel free to leave suggestions or ideas that you think might make it better.  I promise to shamelessly steal those ideas from you at the first opportunity.   Enjoy!

Shed of the Dead (working title)

A rush of coldness went through her spine as her emerald eyes grew wide with fear. The long auburn hair atop her head fell from it's perfect styling. Her body grew chill and her strength began to fade. Her neck tilted  gracefully to the side as a stream of crimson life ran steadily towards her breast, in violent contrast to her porcelain skin. Her eyes welled with tears and they and fell like diamonds to the cold earthen ground beneath her. With her breath beginning to grow faint she gazed into her attackers steely cobalt eyes and knew this was the end. With a small sigh of acceptance she closed her eyes as the last bit of life drained out of her.......

 Callously dropping her lifeless body, the handsome stranger turned to walk away.  "This was a good start", he thought.  He would return later to dispose of her body. This was not his first victim, nor will it be his last. Not tonight.  He had certain…ideas.. for this evening. As her body lie there, soaked in innocent blood, he turned from her and made his way back to the manor where the festivities were being held. He had planned this so he would not be away from the other guests for too long. He couldn't afford to be missed.

Unfortunately for the stranger, the location of his chosen crime was in the worst possible place. The shed behind Baron Gorskys’ manor where he had left her body was no ordinary shed. Stepping beyond the door you wouldn't find a lawnmower or a rake or any of the ordinary gardening tools you would expect to see in a gardening shed. Instead, you would be surprised to discover an empty room with a lone switch on the wall that, when pressed, activated a hidden stairwell descending into his secret lab.

It was just hours ago that the Baron exited his laboratory, carrying an open vial of his most recent formula. A formula as yet untested, but one that he hoped fervently would restore some semblance of life to his comatose wife upstairs, who lay in bed connected the cold and unfeeling machines that were keeping her alive. Unknown to the Baron, a small amount of the liquid escaped his vial as he tripped on his way out of the shed. 

It was into this small puddle that the mysterious stranger had left the lovely Melanie to suffer her final minutes. He could not have known what the Baron had created or that the puddle on the ground was anything other than fresh rain from the storm that afternoon. Nor could he know the reaction the strange liquid was having on the still and lifeless form of Melanie. 

Sparks of life, firing neurons in a brain as dead as the Barons wife. A finger twitching. Eyelids fluttering and finally opening revealing pupils that belonged to no living thing that crawled on this earth.

click the "read more" link below to continue the story!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

More Random Pic(k)s 2/19

Another round of Random Pic(k)s, because I'm lazy.  Also, I'll have something new up soon.  Promise!


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Sunday, February 1, 2015

Adventures In Illness

Winter is almost over, at least in my part of the country, but it looks like I won’t be coming through unscathed.  The cold virus has sunk its claws deep into me, releasing a torrent of mucus and expectorant unprecedented in the annals of Random Crapp.  Time to Google home remedies.

Remedy #1  Drink plenty of fluids

Ok, according to Web-Md the goal here is to drink plenty of fluids, at least 8-10 ounces daily.  This will help keep you hydrated and your throat moist.  No problem.  I work at a bar so I have access to an enormous variety of fluids.  This might be the best home remedy ever.


Bleeegghhh.  That how I spell the act of vomiting.  This home cure didn't work at all and I must have drunk way more than 8-10 ounces of fluid.  Mostly beer, but also plenty of tequila.  I figured that it would cure me from the inside out.  I was wrong. 

Remedy #2  Humidifier

Ok, this one works by inhaling steam to ease your congestion and stuffy nose.  I don’t have a humidifier, but apparently I can achieve the same effect by holding my head over a pot of boiling water and breathe slowly through my nose.  Seems like a lot of work though, so I decided to just sit in my car with the garage door closed and let the exhaust do the work for me.


I am writing this after a state mandated 72 hour observation period has ended.  Apparently there is some concern that I may be a danger to myself.  Also, still sick.

Remedy #3 Nasal Spray

This remedy requires you to irrigate your nasal passages with a saline nasal spray.  If you don’t have a saline nasal spray, don’t worry, you can make your own.  Here’s how:
 Mix 3 teaspoons of iodide-free salt and 1 teaspoon baking soda. Place in an airtight container. Add 1 teaspoon of this mixture to 8 ounces of lukewarm boiled or distilled water. Fill a bulb syringe with this solution Lean your head over a basin, and using the bulb syringe, gently squirt the salt water into your nose. Hold one nostril closed by applying light finger pressure while squirting the salt mixture into the other nostril. Let it drain. Then treat the other nostril.


I used table salt and regular soda because I didn't want to go to the grocery store.  It didn't end well.  Not recommended. 


Alright, so far nothing has worked.  Time to try some more drastic.  We here at Random Crapp have been working on an experimental weapon on contract for DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.  With some of the best minds this country has to offer and a budget of 15 million dollars, we have developed the worlds first functioning shrink ray.  That’s right, suck it Doctor Horrible!


Now to use it to shrink a team of doctors to microscopic size, inject them into my bloodstream and hope they can destroy the cold virus from inside my body.  Using my extensive contacts within the government I've assembled a team of professionals to miniaturize with my shrink ray and battle the cold virus mano a mano
They are:
One brash young doctor with a carefree attitude. 
A brilliant female virologist with everything to prove.
One grizzled old mercenary with a mysterious past.
And one random black guy played by Orlando Jones.

I'm gonna die, aren't I?

Mission Journal 1
I've successfully miniaturized my team of adventures and injected them into my body, although finding them after being shrunk proved to be more difficult than I previously thought. Probably should have planned for that. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family of Orlando Jones. We have high hopes that we'll be able to locate him soon.

Mission Journal 4
Communications with my team have failed. Their last transmission indicated that they had lost their mercenary body guard to rogue antibodies. However, through pure grit and determination the two remaining doctors have figured out how to destroy the cold virus once and for all, and have begun their final assault after a steamy romance session where the young, brilliant and curvaceous Dr. Lady-tits finally learned how to loosen up and live life to the fullest with the help of Dr. Manly and his penis. 

All we can do now is pray.

Mission Journal 9

The mission has failed! I repeat, the mission has failed! After seemingly defeating the last of the cold virus, I was able to re-enlarge my team before they became catastrophically unstable in their miniature form. However, unbeknownst to me and my team, one lone virus cell was able to stow away on the return pad and is now a ten foot tall monster terrorizing my lab. 
If this is my last transmission, tell your wife I love her. I never meant for any of this to happen; I had the best inten--what the fuck?! 
It's here! Barricade the door! Arm yourselves, you fools! Quick, grab the--aaackkk!!!

Ooga booga!


I’m gonna stick with chicken noodle soup from now on.


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Thursday, December 25, 2014

What Really Happened to Santa on Christmas Eve?

Christmas day is almost over and by now most of you have exchanged gifts with your loved ones, secretly decided to return almost all of them for store credit, had at least two dinners at different houses and are now reaching for the last bottle of beer to help put you out of your yuletide misery.  But before you nod off to visions of sugar plums dancing in your head, you seem to recall a story on the morning news regarding Santa’s flight around the world the night before.  Something about how old St. Nick almost didn't make it.  Stomach flu or some such thing. 

Probably just lactose intolerant and had one too many glasses of milk, you think.  But there was something about unconfirmed reports of a kidnapping, explosions…you weren't really paying attention. 

Well, no worries.  We here at Random Crapp have got all you need to know about last night.  Starting with the fact that the United States government is actively trying to cover up certain events that transpired during our latest Christmas Eve.  Even now, the best Google searcher in the world would be unable to find any news reports or cached sites from last night containing certain key words like Santa, North Korea, Kirk Cameron and so on, during the hours of 1am to 6:30am. 

But thanks to the magic of screen capture and our intense boredom, we were able to stay abreast of the situation even as the government was busy scrubbing all mention of what really transpired on Christmas Eve from the world wide web. Below you will find transcribed notes from Associated Press breaking news bulletins that were meant for wide distribution to various news agencies, but have since been heavily redacted.   The truth shall set us free!

1:06am Associated Press Breaking News Alert: 

According to eyewitnesses reporting live from Seoul, South Korea, several North Korean fighter jets have engaged in a aerial dogfight with Santa Claus. As of this posting, two reindeer are down and you're probably not getting that Xbox One bundle.

More updates as they come…

1:36am AP Breaking News Alert:

Following a brutal midair attack by North Korean fighter jets, Santa Claus has narrowly made his way into friendlier skies, albeit without Blitzen and Rudolph who are now prisoners of Dear Leader Kim Jong Un. 

A list of demands in exchange for the release of the two reindeer is expected soon...

1:57am AP Breaking News Alert:

In exchange for the release of Blitzen and Rudolph, North Korea demands that actors James Franco and Seth Rogen immediately produce a film praising Dear Leader Kim Jong Un as Earths "greatest pudgy dictator". 

Although it's possible we translated that last part wrong..

2:15am AP Breaking News Alert:

Horror on holiday, as North Pole representatives receive a package from North Korea containing the severed nose of Rudolph the (formerly) Red Nosed Reindeer. Attempts to contact James Franco and Seth Rogen have been unsuccessful, as it is presumed they are both too high to respond.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Santa may have contacted Kirk Cameron for assistance. Stay with Associated Press for further updat-, ok, this just in: North Korea has just bombed Kirk Cameron. He's dead.

2:28am AP Breaking News Alert:

Shocking video of North Korean soldiers beheading beloved reindeer Blitzen prompts President Obama to authorize Emergency Operation: Slay Ride, a joint mission between the U.S. and the North Pole led by Clark Griswold and that one kid from A Christmas Story, as well as several unnamed but presumably expendable elves.

More updates as the situation develops..

4:45am AP Breaking News Alert:

Operation: Slay Ride has failed. After a series of wacky misunderstandings, Gen. Griswold led his men/elves directly into the active mine field of the DMV. No bodies have yet been recovered. Pres. Obama on the failed mission is quoted as saying, "Probably shouldn't have sent Chevy fucking Chase."

With little hope left, the world prays for a hero...

4:57am AP Breaking News Alert:

A hero rises? Quint, the salty old sea dog from the movie Jaws offers to rescue Rudolph for $10,000. Quint: " for ten thousand dollars, you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing". In response, the North Koreans send another package to Santa containing a hoof and a note that reads "You're going to need a bigger sleigh lol."

Santa is not amused.

5:18am AP Breaking News Alert:

With nowhere else to turn, and James Franco and Seth Rogen too high to stop laughing, Santa trades in his traditional sleigh for a more advanced, weaponized version of the classic conveyance. Replacing the reindeer he has left for a pair of experimental jet engines and a host of surface to air missiles, Santa suits up in a next generation bullet proof red cloak and prepares to invade North Korea. With several machine guns, pistols, knives and a few sharp sticks strapped to his back, Santa vows not to return without Rudolph. 

A hopeful world waits with baited breath...

6:11am AP Breaking News Alert:

After an explosive battle with the North Korean army, Santa engaged in a furious sword fight with Dear Leader Kim Jong Un on the presidential palace balcony. As the Korean people looked on, Santa brought his sword swinging cleanly through the dictator’s neck. Holding the severed head aloft, Santa declared the North Koreans free from the oppressive regime and offered anyone willing to go back with him a secure future working alongside his elves at the North Pole. Although the wages are paid almost entirely in candy canes, many took him up on his offer because, hey, food is food.

Rudolph the Stub Nosed Reindeer is currently being airlifted to the North Poles infirmary, where elvish doctors hope to be able to reattach his severed appendages. We wish him well on his long road to recovery. In the meantime, Santa has promised to complete his rounds as scheduled, despite his own not inconsiderable wounds. Authorities caution Santa to temporarily skip certain parts of the U.S. this morning, as they worry that his disheveled appearance might cause some people to "stand their ground".

And THAT, my friends, is what really happened last night.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!


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