Winter is coming, fellow Crappers, and the web is dark and full of stupid. Also, this Sunday HBO will premiere the first episode of the long awaited season 6 of Game of Thrones, the only show on TV that presents a world more depressing than the world of The Walking Dead. And just like The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones loves to leave us wanting more with season ending cliffhangers like last seasons finale when everyone's favorite bastard, Jon Snow, was prison shanked by his own men. Uh, spoiler, I guess. And we, the fans, have waited almost an entire year to find out if he stayed dead, or maybe slid under a dumpster like Glen. Because even though the show can be pretty depressing at times and the characters we come to love suffer cruelties unheard of outside of Westoros, we just can’t stop watching, possibly because, I don’t know, maybe we weren't hugged enough as a child, maybe?
Whatever, doesn't’ matter. What matters is, does anyone remember what the fuck happened last season? If you’re anything like us then you’ve been binge watching all sorts of new shows in the last year or so, from Daredevil to Jessica Jones, to Arrow and The Flash, to Better Call Saul and on and on. At some point everything just kinda starts to run together. For example, I swear to God, I remember an episode of Game of Thrones where Matt Murdock got killed by a white walker and Littlefinger married the Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt.
So, to make sure we’re all on the same page, we here at Random Crapp have put together a recap of where our favorite GoT characters are and what they’re doing going into season 6, to the best of our memories. Here we go!
|He's so dreamy. (no homo)|
Let’s get this one out of the way first. Jon Snow is dead. But probably not. Or he is but will get brought back to life somehow. All of this because he made an alliance with the Wildling army beyond the wall to help fight the white walkers, who I suppose must really be walking all the way to Westoros since it's taken them 6 goddam years just to get to the fucking wall. Anyway, sound military decisions and logic don’t mix well with Jon’s men and they decide to kill him. The only guy actually trying to do something to save the world. But don’t worry! Because the Red Woman arrived just in time and I’m guessing will use her sex fire magic to bring him back.
|"My name is Arya Stark. You killed my father; prepare to die."|
Not much is going on with Arya Stark. She’s been with the faceless assassin training to be Batman during all of season five and getting pretty damn good at it too. However, upon seeing someone from her hit list in town, she decides to murder the shit out of him instead of following the orders of her mentor. As a result, the faceless assassin blinds her and now she has to be Daredevil instead of the Dark Knight.
|I...I love you.|
Boy, Sansa just can’t catch a break, huh? After watching her father die and being tortured by that little fucker Joffrey, she gets married off to Ramsay Bolton. I will not recount here what indignities she suffered at his hands except to say that Ramsay Bolton needs to fucking die. Like, if anyone on this show needs a killing, it’s this fucking guy. Fuck Ramsay Bolton.
Anyway, at the end of last season, she escapes Winterfell with the help of Theon, the Dickless Wonder.
|Remember me? Yeah, I don't either.|
We didn’t see Bran Stark during season five, and as far as I can remember the last we saw of Bran Stark he had traveled beyond the wall in search of the three eyed raven. I know he traveled with companions, but for the life of me I can’t remember who they were. All I can recall is that at the end of his journey he somehow managed to cross over into a Skyrim type MMORPG, complete with walking skeletons and someone casting fireballs and all sorts of what-the-fuckery.
I have no idea what’s going on with Bran.
|"Can I come back now?"|
Cersie and Jaime Lannister
|They've always been...close.|
Cersie Lannister certainly had a bad time last season. At the start she was reunited with her-ahem-loving brother Jaime after he returned from captivity with Briene of Tarth. Almost immediately she sent Jaime and sell sword Bronn on a classic buddy road trip to Dorn to rescue their daughter, whose name escapes me at the moment. Long story short, mission failed. But while all that was going on, Cersie, in a bid to cause trouble with her daughter in law, somehow managed to give the High Sparrow all sorts of political power in the hopes that, well...I’m not really sure what the plan was. Whatever it was, once again mission failed. Spectacularly.
|He's the Daryl of Game of Thrones.|
After killing his ex girlfriend and shooting his father full of arrows while he was on the shitter, Tyrion was smuggled across the narrow sea by Varys. The plan here was to partner up with Daenarys and...rule the world? I’m not really sure. Sounds good though. Also, during his trip, he ran into Jorah Mormont, freindzoned former advisor to Daenarys, who contracted the deadly greyscale disease along the way. A little lotion will probably take care of that, but I’m not one to judge.
The cat behind the king.
The king, sort of. Nothing really going on here.
The Everyone Else
|"Come with me if you want to--wait. Shit, wrong movie."|
At the end of the last season, Daenarys flew away on her dragon Drogon after narrowly escaping an assassination attempt by the Sons of the Harpy, in what was easily the most interesting thing to happen to her all season. The last we saw of her she was surrounded by Dothroki warriors. We’ll see how that goes.
|"I was in The Dark Knight Rises. Did you know that? Cause I totally was."|
After arranging the marriage of Sansa Stark to that motherfucker Ramsay Bolton (i’m sorry, i just really hate that guy), he retreated back to the Vale where he assumed lordship after killing his new wife and sending her son to whatever passes for boarding school in Westoros. We still don’t know what the hell he’s up to but there’s no doubt he has plans. Is he really the most powerful man in the seven kingdoms? Possibly. Does even George RR Martin know? Debatable. After all, the series has caught up to the books, so you’re guess is as good as anyones.
|She can have my smoke baby anytime.|
The Red Woman. The priestess of the Lord of Light. Advisor to Stannis Baratheon. And maker of some really bad decisions. Bitch had a child burned at the stake. So there’s that. But if she brings back Jon Snow I guess that will make up for it. I mean, we didn’t actually see the girl burn, whereas The Walking Dead straight up showed us that one lady's son being chewed on by walkers. I’m just saying, let’s have some perspective. I mean, she’s really hot.
|Seriously, fuck this guy.|
Someone please kill this motherfucker.
Well, that’s all I can remember about last season. Did I miss anything important? Did your favorite character not make my list? Do I care? We’ll find out on Sunday!
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