Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Shed of the Dead

Hello, fellow Crappers!  (Did you forget that I call you all Crappers?)  Below is the first part of a short story that I'm writing with a friend of mine, we'll call her...Ami.  If you read my previous short story, Strange Faces, you may like this one as well, although its a slightly different style.  The title is a temporary "working title", but I think it fits with where the story is going.  If you like it, leave a comment below or on our FaceBook page.  Feel free to leave suggestions or ideas that you think might make it better.  I promise to shamelessly steal those ideas from you at the first opportunity.   Enjoy!

Shed of the Dead (working title)

A rush of coldness went through her spine as her emerald eyes grew wide with fear. The long auburn hair atop her head fell from it's perfect styling. Her body grew chill and her strength began to fade. Her neck tilted  gracefully to the side as a stream of crimson life ran steadily towards her breast, in violent contrast to her porcelain skin. Her eyes welled with tears and they and fell like diamonds to the cold earthen ground beneath her. With her breath beginning to grow faint she gazed into her attackers steely cobalt eyes and knew this was the end. With a small sigh of acceptance she closed her eyes as the last bit of life drained out of her.......

 Callously dropping her lifeless body, the handsome stranger turned to walk away.  "This was a good start", he thought.  He would return later to dispose of her body. This was not his first victim, nor will it be his last. Not tonight.  He had certain…ideas.. for this evening. As her body lie there, soaked in innocent blood, he turned from her and made his way back to the manor where the festivities were being held. He had planned this so he would not be away from the other guests for too long. He couldn't afford to be missed.

Unfortunately for the stranger, the location of his chosen crime was in the worst possible place. The shed behind Baron Gorskys’ manor where he had left her body was no ordinary shed. Stepping beyond the door you wouldn't find a lawnmower or a rake or any of the ordinary gardening tools you would expect to see in a gardening shed. Instead, you would be surprised to discover an empty room with a lone switch on the wall that, when pressed, activated a hidden stairwell descending into his secret lab.

It was just hours ago that the Baron exited his laboratory, carrying an open vial of his most recent formula. A formula as yet untested, but one that he hoped fervently would restore some semblance of life to his comatose wife upstairs, who lay in bed connected the cold and unfeeling machines that were keeping her alive. Unknown to the Baron, a small amount of the liquid escaped his vial as he tripped on his way out of the shed. 

It was into this small puddle that the mysterious stranger had left the lovely Melanie to suffer her final minutes. He could not have known what the Baron had created or that the puddle on the ground was anything other than fresh rain from the storm that afternoon. Nor could he know the reaction the strange liquid was having on the still and lifeless form of Melanie. 

Sparks of life, firing neurons in a brain as dead as the Barons wife. A finger twitching. Eyelids fluttering and finally opening revealing pupils that belonged to no living thing that crawled on this earth.

click the "read more" link below to continue the story!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

More Random Pic(k)s 2/19

Another round of Random Pic(k)s, because I'm lazy.  Also, I'll have something new up soon.  Promise!


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Sunday, February 1, 2015

Adventures In Illness

Winter is almost over, at least in my part of the country, but it looks like I won’t be coming through unscathed.  The cold virus has sunk its claws deep into me, releasing a torrent of mucus and expectorant unprecedented in the annals of Random Crapp.  Time to Google home remedies.

Remedy #1  Drink plenty of fluids

Ok, according to Web-Md the goal here is to drink plenty of fluids, at least 8-10 ounces daily.  This will help keep you hydrated and your throat moist.  No problem.  I work at a bar so I have access to an enormous variety of fluids.  This might be the best home remedy ever.


Bleeegghhh.  That how I spell the act of vomiting.  This home cure didn't work at all and I must have drunk way more than 8-10 ounces of fluid.  Mostly beer, but also plenty of tequila.  I figured that it would cure me from the inside out.  I was wrong. 

Remedy #2  Humidifier

Ok, this one works by inhaling steam to ease your congestion and stuffy nose.  I don’t have a humidifier, but apparently I can achieve the same effect by holding my head over a pot of boiling water and breathe slowly through my nose.  Seems like a lot of work though, so I decided to just sit in my car with the garage door closed and let the exhaust do the work for me.


I am writing this after a state mandated 72 hour observation period has ended.  Apparently there is some concern that I may be a danger to myself.  Also, still sick.

Remedy #3 Nasal Spray

This remedy requires you to irrigate your nasal passages with a saline nasal spray.  If you don’t have a saline nasal spray, don’t worry, you can make your own.  Here’s how:
 Mix 3 teaspoons of iodide-free salt and 1 teaspoon baking soda. Place in an airtight container. Add 1 teaspoon of this mixture to 8 ounces of lukewarm boiled or distilled water. Fill a bulb syringe with this solution Lean your head over a basin, and using the bulb syringe, gently squirt the salt water into your nose. Hold one nostril closed by applying light finger pressure while squirting the salt mixture into the other nostril. Let it drain. Then treat the other nostril.


I used table salt and regular soda because I didn't want to go to the grocery store.  It didn't end well.  Not recommended. 


Alright, so far nothing has worked.  Time to try some more drastic.  We here at Random Crapp have been working on an experimental weapon on contract for DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.  With some of the best minds this country has to offer and a budget of 15 million dollars, we have developed the worlds first functioning shrink ray.  That’s right, suck it Doctor Horrible!


Now to use it to shrink a team of doctors to microscopic size, inject them into my bloodstream and hope they can destroy the cold virus from inside my body.  Using my extensive contacts within the government I've assembled a team of professionals to miniaturize with my shrink ray and battle the cold virus mano a mano
They are:
One brash young doctor with a carefree attitude. 
A brilliant female virologist with everything to prove.
One grizzled old mercenary with a mysterious past.
And one random black guy played by Orlando Jones.

I'm gonna die, aren't I?

Mission Journal 1
I've successfully miniaturized my team of adventures and injected them into my body, although finding them after being shrunk proved to be more difficult than I previously thought. Probably should have planned for that. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family of Orlando Jones. We have high hopes that we'll be able to locate him soon.

Mission Journal 4
Communications with my team have failed. Their last transmission indicated that they had lost their mercenary body guard to rogue antibodies. However, through pure grit and determination the two remaining doctors have figured out how to destroy the cold virus once and for all, and have begun their final assault after a steamy romance session where the young, brilliant and curvaceous Dr. Lady-tits finally learned how to loosen up and live life to the fullest with the help of Dr. Manly and his penis. 

All we can do now is pray.

Mission Journal 9

The mission has failed! I repeat, the mission has failed! After seemingly defeating the last of the cold virus, I was able to re-enlarge my team before they became catastrophically unstable in their miniature form. However, unbeknownst to me and my team, one lone virus cell was able to stow away on the return pad and is now a ten foot tall monster terrorizing my lab. 
If this is my last transmission, tell your wife I love her. I never meant for any of this to happen; I had the best inten--what the fuck?! 
It's here! Barricade the door! Arm yourselves, you fools! Quick, grab the--aaackkk!!!

Ooga booga!


I’m gonna stick with chicken noodle soup from now on.


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Thursday, December 25, 2014

What Really Happened to Santa on Christmas Eve?

Christmas day is almost over and by now most of you have exchanged gifts with your loved ones, secretly decided to return almost all of them for store credit, had at least two dinners at different houses and are now reaching for the last bottle of beer to help put you out of your yuletide misery.  But before you nod off to visions of sugar plums dancing in your head, you seem to recall a story on the morning news regarding Santa’s flight around the world the night before.  Something about how old St. Nick almost didn't make it.  Stomach flu or some such thing. 

Probably just lactose intolerant and had one too many glasses of milk, you think.  But there was something about unconfirmed reports of a kidnapping, explosions…you weren't really paying attention. 

Well, no worries.  We here at Random Crapp have got all you need to know about last night.  Starting with the fact that the United States government is actively trying to cover up certain events that transpired during our latest Christmas Eve.  Even now, the best Google searcher in the world would be unable to find any news reports or cached sites from last night containing certain key words like Santa, North Korea, Kirk Cameron and so on, during the hours of 1am to 6:30am. 

But thanks to the magic of screen capture and our intense boredom, we were able to stay abreast of the situation even as the government was busy scrubbing all mention of what really transpired on Christmas Eve from the world wide web. Below you will find transcribed notes from Associated Press breaking news bulletins that were meant for wide distribution to various news agencies, but have since been heavily redacted.   The truth shall set us free!

1:06am Associated Press Breaking News Alert: 

According to eyewitnesses reporting live from Seoul, South Korea, several North Korean fighter jets have engaged in a aerial dogfight with Santa Claus. As of this posting, two reindeer are down and you're probably not getting that Xbox One bundle.

More updates as they come…

1:36am AP Breaking News Alert:

Following a brutal midair attack by North Korean fighter jets, Santa Claus has narrowly made his way into friendlier skies, albeit without Blitzen and Rudolph who are now prisoners of Dear Leader Kim Jong Un. 

A list of demands in exchange for the release of the two reindeer is expected soon...

1:57am AP Breaking News Alert:

In exchange for the release of Blitzen and Rudolph, North Korea demands that actors James Franco and Seth Rogen immediately produce a film praising Dear Leader Kim Jong Un as Earths "greatest pudgy dictator". 

Although it's possible we translated that last part wrong..

2:15am AP Breaking News Alert:

Horror on holiday, as North Pole representatives receive a package from North Korea containing the severed nose of Rudolph the (formerly) Red Nosed Reindeer. Attempts to contact James Franco and Seth Rogen have been unsuccessful, as it is presumed they are both too high to respond.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Santa may have contacted Kirk Cameron for assistance. Stay with Associated Press for further updat-, ok, this just in: North Korea has just bombed Kirk Cameron. He's dead.

2:28am AP Breaking News Alert:

Shocking video of North Korean soldiers beheading beloved reindeer Blitzen prompts President Obama to authorize Emergency Operation: Slay Ride, a joint mission between the U.S. and the North Pole led by Clark Griswold and that one kid from A Christmas Story, as well as several unnamed but presumably expendable elves.

More updates as the situation develops..

4:45am AP Breaking News Alert:

Operation: Slay Ride has failed. After a series of wacky misunderstandings, Gen. Griswold led his men/elves directly into the active mine field of the DMV. No bodies have yet been recovered. Pres. Obama on the failed mission is quoted as saying, "Probably shouldn't have sent Chevy fucking Chase."

With little hope left, the world prays for a hero...

4:57am AP Breaking News Alert:

A hero rises? Quint, the salty old sea dog from the movie Jaws offers to rescue Rudolph for $10,000. Quint: " for ten thousand dollars, you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing". In response, the North Koreans send another package to Santa containing a hoof and a note that reads "You're going to need a bigger sleigh lol."

Santa is not amused.

5:18am AP Breaking News Alert:

With nowhere else to turn, and James Franco and Seth Rogen too high to stop laughing, Santa trades in his traditional sleigh for a more advanced, weaponized version of the classic conveyance. Replacing the reindeer he has left for a pair of experimental jet engines and a host of surface to air missiles, Santa suits up in a next generation bullet proof red cloak and prepares to invade North Korea. With several machine guns, pistols, knives and a few sharp sticks strapped to his back, Santa vows not to return without Rudolph. 

A hopeful world waits with baited breath...

6:11am AP Breaking News Alert:

After an explosive battle with the North Korean army, Santa engaged in a furious sword fight with Dear Leader Kim Jong Un on the presidential palace balcony. As the Korean people looked on, Santa brought his sword swinging cleanly through the dictator’s neck. Holding the severed head aloft, Santa declared the North Koreans free from the oppressive regime and offered anyone willing to go back with him a secure future working alongside his elves at the North Pole. Although the wages are paid almost entirely in candy canes, many took him up on his offer because, hey, food is food.

Rudolph the Stub Nosed Reindeer is currently being airlifted to the North Poles infirmary, where elvish doctors hope to be able to reattach his severed appendages. We wish him well on his long road to recovery. In the meantime, Santa has promised to complete his rounds as scheduled, despite his own not inconsiderable wounds. Authorities caution Santa to temporarily skip certain parts of the U.S. this morning, as they worry that his disheveled appearance might cause some people to "stand their ground".

And THAT, my friends, is what really happened last night.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!


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Saturday, October 18, 2014

Ebola And You: We're Not All Going to Die. Probably.

With the emergence of Ebola in the United States, more and more people are becoming concerned about this deadly and often misunderstood virus.  Since its arrival in Dallas, brought by a Liberian man visiting family, the national mood regarding the virus that is currently cutting a devastating swath of destruction across parts of Africa has evolved from a mild ambivalence to holy shit we’re all going to die.  

Already we’re seeing reports of schools closing, people being told to stay home from work if they've been to Dallas recently and lawmakers calling for travel restrictions from Africa.  It’s gotten to the point that you can hardly even turn on the TV without seeing some new anchor, pundit or politician exclaiming all the ways that Ebola could affect you.  Many of them don’t actually have medical degrees or any kind of scientific background but that hasn't stopped them from pontificating at great length about how much more they know than anyone else.  

Actual Fox News Screenshot.

So what are the facts?  It can’t possibly be as bad as everyone says, right?  Or are we all on the cusp of some sort of viral apocalypse?  No worries, we here at Random Crapp have decided to break down the facts for you into easily digestible pieces, like pizza rolls.  In order to do that, we've enlisted the help of renowned virologist Dr. Doc McFakey.  He recently sat down with us in the Random Crapp offices.  Below is the transcript.  

(tape starts)
Random Crapp (RC):  Dr. McFakey, thank you for taking the time to sit with us.  I know your time is valuable.

Dr. McFakey (Doc):  You’re welcome.  I’m happy to answer any questions you might have that could help assuage the concerns of your readership.

RC:  Of course.  Dr., tell us.  What is Ebola?

Doc:  Ebola, also known as Ebola hemorrhagic fever, is a disease of humans and other mammals caused by ebolavirus.  Symptoms can include fever, sore throat, muscle pain, followed by vomiting, diarrhea and decreased function of the liver and kidneys.  People who are infected may eventually begin to bleed within the body as well as externally from the eyes, noses and other orifices.  

RC:  Holy shit.  That’s sounds horrible. 

Doc:  Indeed.

RC:  In your estimation, how long do we have before we all die?

Doc:  We’re not all going to die.

RC:  But Doc, we've seen the news reports.  Schools closing, people being sent home from work, rioting, looting, a wholesale breakdown in civilization.  I think I saw someone throw a shoe.

Doc:  Are you sure you’re not just watching the Walking Dead?  That just came back on last week.

RC:  Pretty sure I saw it on Fox.

Doc:  Well there you go.

RC:  Lets change gears for a moment.  On a scale of one to ten, one being we’re all going to die and ten being good god there’s zombies eating my face, how worried should I be?

Doc:  Look, I don’t think you’re listening to me.  The chances of you personally getting Ebola are anywhere from slim to none.

RC:  How can you so sure? 

Doc:  I don’t know, maybe because I’m a goddamn doctor.  How’s that?

RC:  Ok, alright.  So how come we've already got a couple of cases of Ebola here in the US, smarty pants.

Doc:  Ok, try to pay attention.  The only way to catch Ebola would be to interact with the bodily fluids of someone who is ALREADY showing symptoms of the disease.  The only people who have contracted Ebola here in the US have been the health care workers who have been caring for the Liberian man who came here earlier this month.  Despite all the protocols, they must have come into contact with his bodily fluids and have tragically contracted the disease. 

RC:  So, I probably won’t get it?

Doc:  Do you have any plans that involve visiting Dallas, Tx, infiltrating the heavily guarded isolation area and french kissing the nurses who have Ebola, or otherwise exposing any type of open wounds to their spittle, blood, urine or feces?

RC:  I don’t know…

Doc:  What…what do you mean you don’t know?  You don’t know if you’re going to intentionally infect yourself with a deadly disease?

RC:  I try to take life day by day.

Doc:  …..what news organization did you say you worked for again?

RC:  Lets move on.  I can see that you’re getting uncomfortable.   Doctor, I have here some twitter questions from the interwebs concerning Ebola.  Perhaps you could answer them for us.

Doc:  Ok, fine.  Whatever.

RC:  Alright, the first one is…

Actual tweet.

Doc:  Uh, wow.  Um, you know, probably not.  I don’t think we have any documented cases of people passing along ebola through their flatulence.

RC:  What if you put your mouth right up against their anus, like the human centipede?

Doc:  Then you’ve got bigger problems then Ebola, my friend.

RC:  Fair enough.  Ok, here’s another….

Again, actual tweet.

Doc:  That’s not even a question.  It’s incredibly racist, but not a question.

RC:  Hmmm, you right about that, sorry.  We didn’t really screen any of these.  To be honest, all my research in preparation for this interview came from watching Outbreak, starring Dustin Hoffman.

Doc:  Good movie.  Didn’t that also have the guy who played Morpheus?  Denzel Washington, right?

RC:  Dude that was Morgan Freeman in Outbreak.  And Laurence Fishbourne  played Morpheus.

Doc:  Huh, I get them confused sometimes.

RC:  Whoa!  Who’s the racist now?

Doc:  Hey, now, that’s not what I meant!  I meant I get a lot of actors confused, that’s all!

RC:  Yeah, sure.  But speaking of actors, some news reports are estimating that if Kevin Bacon were to somehow get Ebola, the universal law of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon would wipe out mankind in a matter of weeks.  

Doc:  That's just ridiculous.

RC:  Are you sure? Because Kevin Bacon was in Sleepers with Robert DeNiro, who was in Awakenings with Robin Williams, who was in Good Will Hunting with Ben Affleck, who was in Daredevil that featured songs from Evanescence and I've seen them in concert TWICE!

Doc:  uhhh.....

Loki:  Enough!  I am a god, you dull creature!  

Doc:  Who the hell is that?!

RC:  Oh, shit.  It's Loki.  I swear, I don't know how he keeps getting in here.

Loki:  You will all kneel before me!

RC;  We better wrap this up, he's not going anywhere.

Doc:  Thank god, this was the stupidest interview I've ever done.  Thank you.

RC;  Whatever, Dr. Racist McRacist.

Doc:  I'm not racist!  Some of my best friends are blactors!  I mean actors!  I mean..shit!

Loki:  Quiet, you mewling quim!  I need to find my staff.  A talking racoon stole it.

RC:  Ok, fuck it, we're done here.

(tape ends)

Well, I hope that cleared up any lingering questions any of you might have had about Ebola.  So long as you keep yourself away from any buttholes that have been exposed to the virus, you should be fine.  But god help us if Kevin Bacon gets sick. 

The man is a national treasure.


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