With the emergence of Ebola in the United States, more and more people are becoming concerned about this deadly and often misunderstood virus. Since its arrival in Dallas, brought by a Liberian man visiting family, the national mood regarding the virus that is currently cutting a devastating swath of destruction across parts of Africa has evolved from a mild ambivalence to holy shit we’re all going to die.
Already we’re seeing reports of schools closing, people being told to stay home from work if they've been to Dallas recently and lawmakers calling for travel restrictions from Africa. It’s gotten to the point that you can hardly even turn on the TV without seeing some new anchor, pundit or politician exclaiming all the ways that Ebola could affect you. Many of them don’t actually have medical degrees or any kind of scientific background but that hasn't stopped them from pontificating at great length about how much more they know than anyone else.
|Actual Fox News Screenshot.|
So what are the facts? It can’t possibly be as bad as everyone says, right? Or are we all on the cusp of some sort of viral apocalypse? No worries, we here at Random Crapp have decided to break down the facts for you into easily digestible pieces, like pizza rolls. In order to do that, we've enlisted the help of renowned virologist Dr. Doc McFakey. He recently sat down with us in the Random Crapp offices. Below is the transcript.
Random Crapp (RC): Dr. McFakey, thank you for taking the time to sit with us. I know your time is valuable.
Dr. McFakey (Doc): You’re welcome. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have that could help assuage the concerns of your readership.
RC: Of course. Dr., tell us. What is Ebola?
Doc: Ebola, also known as Ebola hemorrhagic fever, is a disease of humans and other mammals caused by ebolavirus. Symptoms can include fever, sore throat, muscle pain, followed by vomiting, diarrhea and decreased function of the liver and kidneys. People who are infected may eventually begin to bleed within the body as well as externally from the eyes, noses and other orifices.
RC: Holy shit. That’s sounds horrible.
RC: In your estimation, how long do we have before we all die?
Doc: We’re not all going to die.
RC: But Doc, we've seen the news reports. Schools closing, people being sent home from work, rioting, looting, a wholesale breakdown in civilization. I think I saw someone throw a shoe.
Doc: Are you sure you’re not just watching the Walking Dead? That just came back on last week.
RC: Pretty sure I saw it on Fox.
Doc: Well there you go.
RC: Lets change gears for a moment. On a scale of one to ten, one being we’re all going to die and ten being good god there’s zombies eating my face, how worried should I be?
Doc: Look, I don’t think you’re listening to me. The chances of you personally getting Ebola are anywhere from slim to none.
RC: How can you so sure?
Doc: I don’t know, maybe because I’m a goddamn doctor. How’s that?
RC: Ok, alright. So how come we've already got a couple of cases of Ebola here in the US, smarty pants.
Doc: Ok, try to pay attention. The only way to catch Ebola would be to interact with the bodily fluids of someone who is ALREADY showing symptoms of the disease. The only people who have contracted Ebola here in the US have been the health care workers who have been caring for the Liberian man who came here earlier this month. Despite all the protocols, they must have come into contact with his bodily fluids and have tragically contracted the disease.
RC: So, I probably won’t get it?
Doc: Do you have any plans that involve visiting Dallas, Tx, infiltrating the heavily guarded isolation area and french kissing the nurses who have Ebola, or otherwise exposing any type of open wounds to their spittle, blood, urine or feces?
RC: I don’t know…
Doc: What…what do you mean you don’t know? You don’t know if you’re going to intentionally infect yourself with a deadly disease?
RC: I try to take life day by day.
Doc: …..what news organization did you say you worked for again?
RC: Lets move on. I can see that you’re getting uncomfortable. Doctor, I have here some twitter questions from the interwebs concerning Ebola. Perhaps you could answer them for us.
Doc: Ok, fine. Whatever.
RC: Alright, the first one is…
Doc: Uh, wow. Um, you know, probably not. I don’t think we have any documented cases of people passing along ebola through their flatulence.
RC: What if you put your mouth right up against their anus, like the human centipede?
Doc: Then you’ve got bigger problems then Ebola, my friend.
RC: Fair enough. Ok, here’s another….
|Again, actual tweet.|
Doc: That’s not even a question. It’s incredibly racist, but not a question.
RC: Hmmm, you right about that, sorry. We didn’t really screen any of these. To be honest, all my research in preparation for this interview came from watching Outbreak, starring Dustin Hoffman.
Doc: Good movie. Didn’t that also have the guy who played Morpheus? Denzel Washington, right?
RC: Dude that was Morgan Freeman in Outbreak. And Laurence Fishbourne played Morpheus.
Doc: Huh, I get them confused sometimes.
RC: Whoa! Who’s the racist now?
Doc: Hey, now, that’s not what I meant! I meant I get a lot of actors confused, that’s all!
RC: Yeah, sure. But speaking of actors, some news reports are estimating that if Kevin Bacon were to somehow get Ebola, the universal law of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon would wipe out mankind in a matter of weeks.
Doc: That's just ridiculous.
RC: Are you sure? Because Kevin Bacon was in Sleepers with Robert DeNiro, who was in Awakenings with Robin Williams, who was in Good Will Hunting with Ben Affleck, who was in Daredevil that featured songs from Evanescence and I've seen them in concert TWICE!
Doc: Who the hell is that?!
RC: Oh, shit. It's Loki. I swear, I don't know how he keeps getting in here.
Loki: You will all kneel before me!
RC; We better wrap this up, he's not going anywhere.
Doc: Thank god, this was the stupidest interview I've ever done. Thank you.
RC; Whatever, Dr. Racist McRacist.
Doc: I'm not racist! Some of my best friends are blactors! I mean actors! I mean..shit!
Loki: Quiet, you mewling quim! I need to find my staff. A talking racoon stole it.
RC: Ok, fuck it, we're done here.
Well, I hope that cleared up any lingering questions any of you might have had about Ebola. So long as you keep yourself away from any buttholes that have been exposed to the virus, you should be fine. But god help us if Kevin Bacon gets sick.
|The man is a national treasure.|
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