Sunday, July 19, 2015

Another Round of Random Pic(k)s 7/19

More Random Pic(k)s for you on this fine Sunday evening.  Enjoy.


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Pluto And You: What You Need to Know About Earths Furthest Neighbor (Honestly Though, You'll Learn Nothing Here. Have You Even Met Us?)

NASA New Horizon space probe has finally reached Pluto, the erstwhile planet on the very edge of our solar system, after an incredible journey of over 9 years, 3 billion miles and only one bathroom break.  Over the next few days the New Horizon space probe will be sending back photo after photo of the dwarf planet along with its moon Charon, representing an historic and unprecedented view of our furthest planetary neighbors.  But what can we really expect to learn from New Horizons flyby?

To answer that question we invited noted astrophysicist, chicken magnate and media darling Neil deGrasse Tyson to the Random Crapp offices to help us understand the significance of mankind's latest endeavor.

(tape begins)
Random Crapp:  Mr. Tyson, thank you for coming!

Neil DeGrasse Tyson:  Always glad to answer questions and hopefully spread some real science.  But what did you mean about "chicken magnate"?

RC:  Your chicken company.  Tyson Chicken?

NDGT:  Yeah, that's not me.

RC:  Are you sure?  Did we..did we get the right guy?  

NGDT:  Well, if you're looking to talk about Pluto, I'm your man.  If you want to talk chicken, well I guess we could talk about that too.  I mean I'm already here, so.

RC:  No, no.  Forget the chicken.  Let's talk turkey.

NTGT:  Not Pluto?

RC:  What?

NDDT:  Are we talking turkey or Pluto?

RC:  What the fuck?  Turkey?  No, it's a figure of speech.

NGTD:  Oh, right.  So, Pluto.  What would you like to know?

RC:  Ok, back on track.  First of all, I read somewhere that they're already starting to name some of the regions and features on Pluto, and one of the "dark spots" is being named Cthulu.

DDTR:  Yes, I thought that was pretty funny.

RC:  Funny, sir?  What exactly is funny about a Great Old One living on the outskirts of our solar system?

NGGG:  Wha...what?

RC:  What steps is NASA taking to address the threat posed by Cthulu and his dark minions?

NDTT:  I don't...I can't...I'm...I'm not sure if you're serious or not?

RC:  Oh, I'm deadly serious.  I mean, now that our probe has reached Pluto, how long do you think it will be before Cthulu turns his attention to us?

NDaGT:  I really don't think there's anything to worry about here.  

RC:  How can you be so sure?

LOTR:  Well, first of all Cthulu is fictional.  So there's that.

RC:  You know, I really don't think you appreciate whats happening here.  Are you sure you're a real astrophysicist?

NCIS:  Are you sure you're a real journalist?

RC:  Journalist?  Dude, this is a comedy website.  I don't even know how we got you here.


RC:  You're just a media whore, aren't you?

BYOB:  So, Cthulu is on Pluto you say?

RC:  Yeah, that's what I thought.  What can you tell our readers abo-..hey, where are you going?

LAPD:  I just remembered I have a thing with..uh..Bill Nye!  Yeah, we have a...thing.

RC:  Well, at least we made it through an entire interview without Loki showing up to ruin ever...hey whats all that shimmering around you?  Oh, you son of a bitch!

LOKI:  HA!  You foolish dunga!  You're chicken man Tyson was never here! It is I, Loki, the once an future King Of Asgard! And this time I've managed to ruin the entire interview!

RC:  Hold on.  What the fuck is a dunga?  Is that like when you called Black Widow a mewling quim?  Because I looked that up and it mean cunt.  Are you calling me a cunt?!

LOKI:  Nay, but what if I were, mortal??

(sounds of scuffling)
tape ends

I swear to god, one of these days I'm gonna complete a real interview, I promise.


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Thursday, July 9, 2015

Random Crapp Guide to the 2016 Presidential Candidates

With the 4th of July weekend behind us and the 2016 presidential election ramping up, we thought it was about time to give you, our  inconstant readers, the lowdown on whos running for our nations highest office and what theyre all about.  And believe me, theres a lot of them.  The republicans alone have almost 20 declared candidates, so were going to try to keep this short and sweet.

 Also, we havent posted anything in a while and weve been feeling a little guilty about that.  But mostly because Im bored right now and someone asked me earlier if I was an ameriCAN or an ameriCANt.  You know who you are.

Anyway, without further poo, here are your 2016 presidential candidates (in no particular order):

First, the Republicans

Chris Christie

That how big a chance he has at winning.

Who is he?  Hes the loud mouth, straight shootin take no shit governor of New Jersey.

Whats he known for?  Multiple corruption charges leveled against his administration and once biting the head off kitten because it looked at him wrong.

Chances of winning?  Only if his constant anger triggers the latent gamma radiation in his dna and he actually rips his opponents limb from limb.  And eats them.

Bobby Jindal
He's not confused, he just always looks that way.

Who is he?  The baby faced governor of Louisiana who once lamented that the Republican Party has to stop being the party of stupid, and then immediately became retarded.

Whats he know for?  Always jumping on the conservative bandwagon last as if to say, Hey, guys! Dont forget about me! Ive been a real boy  ever since my father wished on that star! Take me seriously!  Please!

Chances of winning?  He wont even realize the election is over until 2017.

Donald Trump
One of these is Trump.  I'm not sure which.
Who is he?  Come on.  The guys got his name plastered on more buildings than..I dont  know, someone who has a lot of buildings with theyre name on them?  Shit.  I totally had something  for that.  Sorry.

Whats he known for?  Jesus, where do I even start?  Hes declared bankruptcy as many times as hes had wives and still thinks hes a savvy business man.  He sent detectives to Hawaii to dig up Barack Obamas real birth certificate and as far as we know, they never came back.  He accused Mexico of intentionally sending America thieves and rapists and refuses to apologize.  I mean, holy shit.  I could go on and on; hes comedy gold.  I got so aroused at the thought of him running that I would have done an entire article just on him if not for a raging erection constantly distracting me.

Chances  of winning?  Pretty fucking slim, so lets just enjoy him while we can.

Jeb Bush
"Is it my turn now?"

Who is he?  The former two term governor of Florida, a state with apparently enough serial killers to last eight whole seasons of Dexter.

Whats he known for?  Hes the son and brother of two presidents, so at this point he kind of has to run, or at least try to be president.  Also, hes married to a Mexican immigrant so you know he likes a little brown sugar, if you know what I mean. 

Chances of winning?  Probably the best of a bad lot. 

Rick Perry
He likes his corndogs.

Who is he?  Longest serving governor of the great state of Texas, Rick Perry once had a ranch named Niggerhead.  Yeah.

Whats he known for?  Dumber than a stump, Rick Perry has taken to wearing glasses in an effort to appear smarter.  Famously ended a debate answer with oops.  Once said that Juarez is the most dangerous city in America, apparently unaware of the fact that Juarez is in Mexico.  This guy is almost as good as Trump.

Chances of winning?  Youre kidding, right?

Lindsey Graham
Even he doesn't think he can win.

Who is he?  A senator from South Carolina, a state whose barbecue Rick Perry once said tasted worse that road kill. 

Whats he known for?  Actually believes that global warming is man made and a threat to national security.  So theres that.  Look, Im gonna be honest with you here.  I wouldnt even know who Lindsey Graham is if it werent for Jon Stewart. 

Chances of winning?  Hahaha

George Pataki
The face of a man who knows he's got a funny name.

Who is he?  Ok, we had to look this one up.  Apparently he served three terms of governor of New York.  So, yeah.

Whats he know for?  No idea.  But hes got a funny name.  Pataki.  Seriously.  Say that five times.  Pataki Pataki Pataki Pataki Pataki.  See?

Chances of winning?  See chances of winning, Lindsey Graham 

Rick Santorum
"Now hold on.  I only hate the gays because they're an abomination against the lord, that's all.  Nothing personal."

Who is he?  Former US senator from Pennsylvania and virulently homophobic, we ask only one thing of you.  Google the name Santorum.  Well wait……  Gross, right?

Whats he known for?  Once said that women on the battlefield was a bad idea because of the emotions involved.  Compared Obamacare to apartheid, which is state sponsored, institutionalized racism.   Believes that same sex marriage will lead to the fall of America.  Opposes all forms of pornography; so you know, fuck that guy.

Chances of winning?  Only if every other candidate suddenly dies in a freak meteor shower. 

Mike Huckabee
We thought he'd like the colors.

Who is he?  Baptist minister, former governor of Arkansas and former Fox News host who also hates the gays.

What's he known for? Being really into Jesus. Like, really into Jesus. As in, we're actually worried about how much he's into Him. Not that there's anything wrong with that. We wish them all the best.

Chances of winning? Short of an intervention from his main man, it's doesn't look good for the Huckster.

Ben Carson
"I don't even know why I'm here."

Who is he? The republican party's token black guy, unless that's racist. Former pediatric neurosurgeon. On paper he's a pretty smart guy. In person he's a fucking moron.

What's he known for? I don't know, he's the black guy?

Chances of winning? There's a better chance that the guy sitting next to you on the bus is just a bunch of gerbils in a human suit.

Carly Fiorina
Seen here demanding a fur coat made out of dalmatians. 

Which is she? The republican party's token woman, unless that's misogynist.

What's she known for? Former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, she ran that company in to the ground before she was forced out; not long after she worked for John McCain's 2008 presidential campaign, so you know she's consistent, if only in failure.

Chances of winning? Even if she makes it to the general election, Hillary Clinton will probably tear out her ovaries in an attempt to steal her power. So, no.

Marco Rubio
I...I got nothing.

Who is he?  The republican party's token Latino, unless that's, what?..nativist?

What's he known for? Says he's not a scientist, that the age if the earth is "a great mystery".  Admits that he wouldnt have been able to afford college if not for government aid, then trashes government aid and other social programs.  Hates the gays, immigrants and intelligence. In fact, that might best summarize all the republican candidates, huh?  That should make things easier, because theres a lot more.

Chances of winning?  Are you holding your breath?  Well, dont.

Rand Paul.
"Define 'plagiarism'."

Who is he?  Ophthalmologist and son of crazy person Ron Paul, Rand is a senator from Kentucky.

Whats he known for?  Been caught several times plagiarizing his speeches.  Once said that people donot have the right to food water and healthcare”.  On the other hand, hes pretty lenient on drugs, soOh, also on the other other hand, he hates the gays immigrants and intelligence.

Chances of winning?  Well, hes probably got the weed vote.

Ted Cruz
Is it me, or does he look like a human muppet?

Who is he?  Former Texas solicitor general, former deputy assistant attorney general in the George W. Bush administration and recently audition for a part on The Simpsons.  Really.

Whats he known for ?   All together now:  he hates the gays, immigrants and intelligence.  Was born in Canada to and American mother and a Cuban father which make him, what?  An Amerinadian?  A Cubanican?  A Canacubican?  Who knows, but John  McCain once called him a wacko bird.

Chances of winning?  That would be amazing, but no.

Ok, there are other declared candidates, but those are the most high profile ones and the truth is, Im getting kind of sad.  And this is just the beginning.  With the election over a year away, we still have primaries to get through not to mention the national conventions, which should be hilarious.  Watching these clowns debate each other is going to be the highlight of the year for me. 

Now for the Democrats

Hillary Clinton
"It's my turn, bitches."

Who is she?  Former first lady during the Clinton administration, former US senator from New York, former Secretary of State during the first Obama administration. 

Whats she know for?  One of the most well known and respected women in the entire world.  First serious female candidate for president (sorry Geraldine Ferraro) during the 2008 election, getting nearly 18 million votes during the primaries but ultimately losing to Barack Obama.  Shes supports the gays, immigrants and smart people.  Has never been accused of being stupid, shes the only person running for president who actually has the qualifications.

Chances of winning?  Shes already picking out drapes. 

I'm sure there are other Democrats running, but come on.  They don't really matter.  

To close, I'm going to leave you with a youtube video of Ted Cruz auditioning for The Simpsons.  You're welcome.


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Saturday, March 21, 2015

Random Facts

A short collection of Random Facts.  We stand behind the veracity of every claim made in this posting.  I mean, the internet wouldn't lie, right?  Right?

Fact #1:  

The age of the earth is 4.4 billion years old, or nearly twice as old as your mom.

Your mom is not amused.

Fact #2:

Today's (3/20/15) solar eclipse wasn't visible in north America, but if you wanted to know what it would be like to witness it firsthand, just follow these simple directions.
First, get the brightest flashlight you can get your hands on. Second, shine it directly in your eyes. Third, apply for government disability, because now your blind.

Congratulations! You've simulated a solar eclipse!


Fact #3:

It's not the gold that makes the Gold Apple Watch so expensive. It's because each watch is individually loaded with the trapped soul of a Chinese factory worker who committed suicide rather than work for Apple. Normal Apple Watches simply run on children's tears.
Now you know.
Get yours today!

Fact #4:

Olympus Mons is the largest vagina in the solar system.

Hold on, wait..VOLCANO! I meant that Olympus Mons is the largest VOLCANO in the solar system! What did you think I said?!
Relax.  It's just a close up of a flower.  A sexy, sexy flower.

Fact #5:

The mimic octopus can not only change colors, but can mimic the body shapes of other animals like the flounder, the lionfish and the monopoly guy.

No free parking for you.

Fact #6:

Vending machines kill 4 times as many people a year as sharks do, and yet SyFy STILL hasn't made a movie about a killer soda machine/tornado.

Don't let me down, SyFy.

Fact #7:

If you type the word "hashtag" immediately after the hashtag symbol, #, you will break the internet.
At least, that's what I heard.

Do not try this at home.

Fact #8:

If you were to take the time to individually count every grain of sand at the beach, you would soon discover that you're a very boring person.

This photo is not relevant.  Just enjoy it.

Fact #9:

If you were to take all 7 billion people currently living on earth and place them together in one room, there would STILL be one old lady with a full basket of groceries ahead of you in the only open checkout lane at Walmart. And she's paying by check. With coupons.

That bitch.

Fact #10:

Its possible, with proper training and supervision, to spend the rest of your life underwater by holding your breath until you die.

She was kind of annoying anyway.

Fact #11:

There is a jelly fish called Turritopsis dohrnii that essentially lives forever. They came from the dawn of time; moving silently down through the centuries, living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering; when the few who remain will battle to the last. No one has ever known they were among you... until now.

There can be only one.

Fact #12:

Girl scout cookies are not actually made from real girl scouts. That would be monstrous.

In fact, they are made from artificially grown CLONES of real girl scouts. Which is much better.


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